Communication Hacks for All Your Relationships
Here are 3 practical tools to pursue unity.
LisaLisa Duvall
Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit—you choose.
Proverbs 18:21
The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
When done right, communication has the potential to unite relationships…or divide them when done wrong. It takes time to learn to read each other’s body language, pick up on cues, and learn how to stay in sync with one another.
However, research says only 4% of our communication is the words we use. Everything else comes through tone, body language, timing, or the words we don’t say.
For instance, there are times everyday that you operate in a specific emotional and mental space—everyone has one or two natural tendencies. My husband (James) and I are opposites, so we can have communication issues when we’re coming from different places. There have been years in our marriage where there was more tension simply because we didn’t know how to find our rhythm together.
But there are a lot of practical tools to apply to your relationships. So let’s look at three communication hacks…
1. Intent vs. Impact
Conflict happens in every relationship. When it does, identify your intent and impact…
- Intent: “What’s your intention?”
- Impact: “How did this impact me?”
If James does something to offend me, I might say, “I know your intention in that meeting wasn’t to shut me down…but how it impacted me is that it made me feel small.” By believing the best about his intentions, I’m leading the conversation in a healthy way. But, if I realize something impacted James differently than what I intended, it’s my cue to redo my words and say it a different way.
If one of your conflicts keeps repeating, try using the “If this…then that” technique to find your rhythm together again: “If this happens again…then this is what we will do.” Often, it’s just adjusting our words to be more uplifting.
Think of a time when the impact of your words differed from your intent. How did you address this discrepancy? Make time to sit down with someone you’re having struggles with and go through the following exercise:
- Choose 1 or 2 types of conflicts you’ve had in the past.
- Apply Intent vs. Impact.
- Apply the If this…then that technique.
2. Effective Cues
It’s also helpful to implement cues when you need to shift modes. For example, I love to connect in the mornings—James doesn’t. His cue might be to make a cup of coffee for me, which helps him shift into my space.
Acknowledge when things aren't going as planned, and make a conscious effort to recalibrate. Of course, this takes skill, time, and energy. Conflict and missteps are normal. If you aren’t ever having conflict, it’s a sign you’re avoiding conversations that need to be had. Conflict is an opportunity for unity.
Division might happen simply because you’re in different modes. When James is hyperfocused on work, it’s difficult for him to shift gears when I walk through the door—he’s in work mode. That’s why we need cues to remind us to speed up or slow down. Consider what your natural mode is and what cues you might need to put in place.
Discuss some effective cues that could help shift communication styles—or discuss the need for a change in approach.
3. Using Thinking in Communication
Think back to intent vs. impact. Share a time when the impact of your words differed from your intent. How did you address this discrepancy? Here’s an acronym to help you remember to be intentional about your words:
Truthful
Helpful
Inspiring
Necessary
Kind
Use the THINK acronym as a reminder to speak words that will bring out the best in others. How can applying this acronym improve your communication? Set aside half an hour together to practice using this framework in your communication.
Remember the Proverb: you choose whether your words will kill or give life. Stay united in your relationships instead of letting communication divide you.