A Lifetime of Growing in Intimacy

Pastor Don and Joy Bray have been married for nearly 56 years. We asked them to reflect on their personal journey of growing together in the area of sexual intimacy. Pastor Don protested: “That’s like hearing sex advice from your grandparents!” However, they agreed to share their story and pray it will encourage you to pursue God’s best in your marriage and life.

We know that discovering intimacy does not happen overnight. Would you be willing to share some of your own story of growing in sexual intimacy?

Joy: Sex was a huge issue early on in our marriage. The honeymoon was great, but after that, it all went downhill. Every night Don would come to bed with great anticipation, and nearly every night, he would be disappointed.

I grew up in a preacher’s home. Sex was never mentioned in our home except in a negative way. Somehow it was hard to “let go” of all that negativity and feel ok about it. In addition, I was sexually molested as a teenager. I was thoroughly naïve, making the whole experience absolutely shattering. As a young mom on the mission field, I was exhausted, overwhelmed, too tired for sex, and fearful of getting pregnant. And a complex relationship with my domineering father kept me from truly celebrating my husband and allowing our intimacy to grow. When Don disagreed with me or criticized me, I would retaliate: “You’re just like my father!” Nothing could have been further from the truth—but my wounds were deep.

Don: I love Joy with all my heart, but because my love language is physical touch, I grew frustrated and felt personally rejected. I didn’t know if Joy would ever enjoy this part of marriage!

Joy: Inner healing came slowly, and gradually our sex life improved. But my personal breakthrough came after 25 years of marriage when I was finally able to confront my father about a moral issue. Don encouraged and supported me through that painful process. Releasing the anger and resentment I had pent up over the years freed me to fully enjoy my amazing husband in all his wonderfulness! 

How does each person’s story affect their intimacy in marriage?

Don: Growing intimacy in marriage is not automatic. It is complex because everyone brings their own story into a marriage.

A variety of issues impact a couple’s journey to finding true sexual intimacy, such as: 

• Past experiences. Sexual abuse, negative/vulgar comments about sex.
  
• Stress. Fear of pregnancy, physical exhaustion, bad experiences, and pressures at work.
  
• Emotions. Complex family relationships, projecting negative experiences on each other.
  
• Sin. Pornography, former sexual experiences, adultery.
  
• Unrealistic expectations. Such as the common assumption that men are turned on by sight and women by words. Or that men want sex more than women. Those statements may not always be true.
  

Pastor Don, would you give us some Scriptural insight into physical intimacy?

Don: Our culture paints sex as erotic, simply for personal pleasure—sex is all about me and my needs. In God’s eyes, sex is all about the freedom of intimacy—joy in the ultimate act of oneness between husband and wife. Sex, as God intended, encompasses every part of who we are (body, soul, mind, Spirit) and is directed toward one another, not self-absorbed.

Genesis 2:24-25 beautifully conveys God’s design for sexual intimacy: “A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”

Can you share a few tips on how we can grow in intimacy in marriage?

Joy: First, remember, sex does not begin in the bedroom! Everything that happens during the day matters. All of marriage is foreplay. Don loves it when I surprise him with an unexpected hug or kiss! And I am totally undone when he does the dishes or scrubs the floors! Knowing each other’s love language helps you grow in intimacy!

Here are a few more:

1. Start talking!  

Ask: “What do you like best?”  

Answer: “The best part of sex for me is….”

Ask: “How do I know when you are ready?”

Answer: “I feel the most like making love when….”

2. Plan for romance.

Plan a romantic evening dinner for two—and don’t assume it will end in sex. Hold hands whenever possible. Say I love you often during the day, along with other wonderfully affirming words. Develop a private code language. When Don or I say, “Are you up to dancing tonight?” we know exactly what that means!

3. Relax! Have fun!

Laugh together! Try new things and see the humor when you don’t get it right!

Do you have any final words of wisdom for us?

Don: It helps me to remember that ebb & flow is normal. The honeymoon is great, but daily life happens. Joy had surgery. We both grow older. Intimacy deepens, even as our need and ability for sex fluctuates. And it is essential to stay pure in mind & soul. I vowed to be faithful to Joy, and part of that commitment involves accountability. 

Joy: Remember, true intimacy can lead to great sex, but sex is not a goal; it’s a by-product of putting each other first, loving unselfishly, trusting and accepting each other in all the ups & downs and quirks of life. Don and I are beyond grateful for a lifetime of growing together in intimacy. That is our desire for your marriage as well.

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